Below are the most recent 4 friends' journal entries.

Tuesday, November 10th, 2009
faceless_wonder	4:06p	they fuck you up... i saw this poem posted in childfree hardcore today, and it put a knowing smile on my face. This Be the Verse BY PHILIP LARKIN They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you. But they were fucked up in their turn By fools in old-style hats and coats, Who half the time were soppy-stern And half at one another’s throats. Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf. Get out as early as you can, And don’t have any kids yourself. i, for one, know i won't be passing my misery or screwed-up-ness to any kids. Current Music: "get over" by the marvelous 3 (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 8th, 2009
faceless_wonder	11:06p	i can haz RAM? despite hemming and hawing for the last two years or so that my law school laptop was on its last legs, and that i wasn't going to pay to upgrade the RAM or do anything else to it, it has become pretty clear that this box is my primary computer, and will be for some time. despite some cosmetic damage...some cracks in the case, the super-glued-on space bar, it still runs pretty nicely, especially with xubuntu on it. so, today, i finally caved. i maxed out the RAM on my cranky old laptop--going from a paltry 512 megs to a slightly respectable 2 gigs. the thing that got me to do it was the fact that i'm planning on working through metasploit unleashed soon, and that requires running vulnerable VMs on your computer in order to exploit them. i realised that there was no way i'd be able to run both a base OS and a VM with only 512 megs of RAM. that wasn't going to happen. aside from that rather practical consideration, though, it's really, really nice not to have the computer slow down to molasses speed if i had both firefox and a video or music player running. between the fact that i have four times the RAM i had this morning and the fact that i'm still running xubuntu (and not something more bloated), my old box is zipping along better than ever! i seriously should have done this years ago. Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: "welcome to the black parade" by my chemical romance (Comment on this)
Monday, November 2nd, 2009
shaph	7:06a	2009-11-01. A chilly Chicago morning with light rain. Just enough that it sent an extra shiver during my now customary morning run. The last seven or eight hours have been some of the longest in my life. The crushing pain of heartbreak, fear, and uncertainty leave very deep bruises inside the mind, body and soul. But they also open me up to more reflection and the bizarre path my life seems destined to follow. There's really no other way to say it: the "me" four months ago did not add up to much. He was timid, nervous, and could never develop traction to get off the ground and move forward. I look back on the old "me" and have difficulty figuring out what appeal he had. In four months, though, from the time I entered NRS West Palm Beach and up to this moment writing this entry I can only wonder what in the hell has happened: the new "me" still startles me with his new habits and ways. It's hard now to determine if the new "me" will end up being better than the old "me," but odds are considerably favorable and the differences between the two "mes" are staggering: no more caffeinated soda, a sharp decrease in fast food consumption, exercise and stretching at least once a day, the responsibility of encouraging others to better themselves, more community service, better sleeping patterns, *gasp* tolerating the morning a lot more, *gasp* a stoppage of poker playing, *GASP* less video game playing (except for Rock Band and Guitar Hero of course), and even opening up more to people. Four months ago I don't think I could ever have foreseen these changes occurring inside me. And I have the US Navy to thank for that metamorphosis. These are changes that will only serve to better me and allow me to further make myself, as Incubus might say, out of something that is not paper mache. But it wouldn't be fair to credit the Navy with everything. My friends have stepped up and gone beyond the call of duty to aid me in my time of need. Every voice has had a different message, every message necessary for me to hear. And the voices of my friends have helped flush out the pain and sorrow that had been creeping further into me. While these forces will never stop attempting to penetrate me, I know I will always have the best ammunition in the world to combat it. Thank you all. Words will never express how much you've all meant to me these past couple of days, weeks, and months. Yet the strange twists of life still echo on, never letting me forget their fiendish ways. The US Navy and my friends have turned me into a person that I feel is actually worthy of the incredible pressure I put myself under on a consistent basis. The lessons in just four months speak to a taste of what my potential now is, and that potential is something that will be reached. Yet the decision to undergo this change in the Navy is exactly what cost me the greatest part of my life: a part of me that deserved this new "me" and not the old "me,", a twist that would encourage chuckles only in a black comedy, and something so demented that I feel the only recourse I have is to smile, laugh, and trudge forward in the rebuilding process. I know I know, such is life. Perhaps someday I will be able to look back at this episode in my life and proudly smile at this being the moment in my life that I first felt the capability to stand on my own two feet and handle anything. Perhaps I will once again find that greatness in my life that now leaves a hole in my chest. Perhaps even after the six year Navy term I will love it to the point that another six to twelve years will be in order. Perhaps six years will just be too much and I will instead enter the private sector changed and strong enough to survive and flourish with these lessons. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps... But this much I know: seven to eight hours ago, my world nearly crashed down into oblivion. Without the US Navy's training and mentality or my friends, who knows what would have been damaged and what complications would have come from this. The remaining pain and burdens from my past failures will be my constant reminders of what still needs to be changed and improved inside me. I will forever carry on that weight, never forgetting it, utilizing it to improve myself and those around me. And I will continue to look to my friends for help when I need them, hopefully with them knowing that I will do my best to help them whenever they need it. This is the new creed for the new me. Looking back on it, I think I also have to thank Lloyd Irving for being an inspiration through his actions. Besides, as serious as this entry is, it would not be a Phil entry without an allusion to video games, now would it. :) Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: The "10,000 Days" CD from TooL
Friday, October 30th, 2009
faceless_wonder	12:23a	if you still care, don't ever let me know it has been a couple of months since i heard a new song that grabbed me and shook me. i heard "snuff" by slipknot for the first time today, and it was exactly what i needed. i was pretty shocked when i found out it was slipknot, since most of their stuff really doesn't do it for me, but this one just gives me goosebumps. bury all your secrets in my skin come away with innocence and leave me with my sins the air around me still feels like a cage and love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again so if you love me let me go and run away before i know my heart is just too dark to care i cant destroy what isn't there deliver me into my fate if i'm alone i cannot hate i don't deserve to have you my smile was taken long ago if i can change i hope i never know i still press your letters to my lips and cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss i couldn't face a life without your light but all of that was ripped apart... when you refused to fight so save your breath i will not hear i think i made it very clear you couldn't hate enough to love is that supposed to be enough? i only wish you weren't my friend then i could hurt you in the end i never claimed to be a saint my own was banished long ago it took the death of hope to let you go so break yourself against my stones and spit your pity in my soul you never needed any help you sold me out to save yourself and i wont listen to your shame you ran away you're all the same angels lie to keep control my love was punished long ago if you still care don't ever let me know if you still care don't ever let me know (Comment on this)